Today, at the DMV, I was told to push my forehead against a vision testing device on the counter to activate a blinking light. When nothing happened, the employee started yelling for me to push harder. I tried again, only to knock the whole thing into her. FML

by sabadaba / 06/19/2011 at 1:51pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

InsertGirder's comment : She deserved it, someway...

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Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

by Username / 06/19/2011 at 5:51am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I got officially uninvited to a party. This is the third one this month. FML

by loser / 06/19/2011 at 4:44am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

by notastoner / 06/19/2011 at 2:38am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

by fattymcbutterpants / 06/19/2011 at 1:19am / United States / Work

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by putting a post-it note on my locker that said "consider yourself dumped". FML

by Anonymous / 06/19/2011 at 1:01am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2011 at 9:11pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to disable my iPod Touch for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I went to enter my password. I missed a number accidentally. 50 minutes to go. FML

by iDisable / 06/18/2011 at 8:27pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

flockz's comment : you should disable your brother by punching him in the nuts.

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Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

by me / 06/18/2011 at 7:54pm / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl has a crush on me. Too bad it's my co-worker's five year old granddaughter. FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2011 at 6:00pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

by Stormy / 06/18/2011 at 5:49pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a high fever and hallucinations. I called for my mother, who after checking me, swore that I was just hungover from a night of partying, called me a "f*cking hedonist", and refused to help. FML

by Anna / 06/18/2011 at 12:54pm / Estonia (Harjumaa) / Health

Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

by Barney / 06/18/2011 at 12:10pm / United States (Indiana) / Animals