Today, I had a job interview at 9:00am. I left at around 8:30am, and as soon as I got in the car to drive to the interview, I checked my phone again, and it said 10:33. My boyfriend had decided to change the time on my clock as a "joke." FML

by catsofly7 / 01/30/2011 at 8:43am / United States (Ohio) / Work

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

by terrible kenny / 01/30/2011 at 4:24am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a text message from my wife who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends: "Have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you tomorrow morning." His? FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2011 at 1:21am / Love

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

by effingdoucher / 01/30/2011 at 1:07am / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy

Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2011 at 12:05am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, a cop pulled me over because there was a sign hidden behind a tree that said "No left turn". As I was getting my ticket, I watched as three cars turned left. The cop saw them, laughed, and said, "I guess you're the unlucky one." FML

by copper / 01/29/2011 at 9:20pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

by wowimdumb / 01/29/2011 at 7:35pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

by fudgydiaper22 / 01/29/2011 at 7:28pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

theblackhannah's comment : wow..gain some weight?

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Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

by anonymous / 01/29/2011 at 7:41am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML

by awkward drunk / 01/29/2011 at 7:40am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for the past two weeks that he had something planned for the occasion. His plan? Me watching TV with his parents, who hate me, while he went to work. His gift? A brand new Xbox 360 for himself. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2011 at 6:55am / Canada (British Columbia) / Geek

Today, I went to see the "Cirque du Soleil" at the Albert Hall. It was amazing, apparently. Of course I wouldn't know, because I left my glasses at the hotel, and was sitting at the very back row. FML

by blind / 01/29/2011 at 6:43am / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my cat died while walking around the kitchen. He had a heart attack when the toaster popped out two slices of bread. FML

by Anonymous / 01/29/2011 at 3:09am / France / Animals