Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML

by craphanded / 07/19/2011 at 1:45pm / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Animals

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

by PissNTra / 07/19/2011 at 1:11pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

by freakfreak12345 / 07/19/2011 at 12:41pm / United States (Maine) / Animals

Mi24hind's comment : YDI for peeing on the hornets. what did they do to you?

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Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML

by Bill Harrison / 07/19/2011 at 11:19am / United States / Work

CrAzYyEt's comment : lol that sounds like fun!

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Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

by Miriden / 07/19/2011 at 10:41am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, after being in love with one of my best friends for ages, he took me on a date. We then went back to his place and we made love. Afterwards, he told me he wanted to show me something and led me outside. He ran back in and locked the door. It's a two hour walk home. FML

by Anonymous / 07/19/2011 at 7:04am / Australia / Intimacy

fish1806's comment : what a jerk!!

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Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

by ken / 07/19/2011 at 3:40am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, while I was showering, my brother thought it would be funny to burst through the door pretending he was a burglar. Panicked, I went to grab the soap bar as a weapon, slipped, fell and hit my head on the faucet. FML

by MAWZ / 07/19/2011 at 2:33am / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

by hatemylife / 07/19/2011 at 2:24am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

by KidCudi227 / 07/19/2011 at 1:42am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

by nataliepaige / 07/19/2011 at 12:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

by tLee / 07/19/2011 at 12:04am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic moment when I made a Star Wars reference. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I said it or the fact that he seemed more turned on by it. FML

by RobinBunny713 / 07/18/2011 at 11:23pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy