Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

by anon / 06/21/2011 at 7:52am / United States / Love

Blueglasscup's comment : At least you went on a date with your crush!

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Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

by Caeru / 06/21/2011 at 3:08am / United States (Texas) / Health

OrgasmicBunnies's comment : thats pretty stupid.... I think she needs help.

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Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

by played / 06/21/2011 at 1:07am / Norway / Love

narrowords's comment : "My mom thinks." She knows what she's doing. Blow her off without so much as goodbye. Manipulative...

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend is extremely jealous of a stuffed toy that sits on my bed, all because it gets to 'sleep in the same bed as me and he doesn't.' Now, whenever he comes over, he throws it at the wall, death glares at it, then gets up and kicks it under my bed. FML

by holdengurl18 / 06/21/2011 at 12:46am / China / Love

Today, I met my husband's old high school sweetheart. My mother-in-law introduced me to her as "one of my son's friends." We've been married for over eight years. FML

by minnEmouse / 06/20/2011 at 10:40pm / United States / Love

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

by drycleanplz / 06/20/2011 at 10:33pm / Reserved / Miscellaneous

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

by shyshy96679 / 06/20/2011 at 6:42pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML

by heather / 06/20/2011 at 6:25pm / Canada / Love

Today, I found out my boyfriend uses me for two things. 1) My food. 2) My sister. FML

by Maddie / 06/20/2011 at 4:05pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I went to the dentist to get a filling. Instead of giving me Novocaine, my dentist decided he was going to use a special new paste on me while he drilled. It didn't work. FML

by StupidDentist / 06/20/2011 at 3:21pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML

by Me / 06/20/2011 at 12:14pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

by Tequila / 06/20/2011 at 12:12pm / Netherlands (Overijssel) / Health

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

by Username / 06/20/2011 at 11:57am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy