Today, my mom gave me the "birds and the bees" talk, while she was taking a dump. FML

by KidCudi227 / 07/19/2011 at 1:42am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

by nataliepaige / 07/19/2011 at 12:43am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

by tLee / 07/19/2011 at 12:04am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

klutzyduck1's comment : You have to admit this is one of those cute funny moments, I hope you laughed instead of acting pissed. Enjoy it, you can't change it.

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Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic moment when I made a Star Wars reference. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I said it or the fact that he seemed more turned on by it. FML

by RobinBunny713 / 07/18/2011 at 11:23pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

xgetxbentx's comment : awww nerd love.

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Today, my boyfriend and his bandmates were doing a live interview for a web show. Drunk off his ass, my boyfriend starts telling the internet how his ex-girlfriend is his biggest inspiration. I was standing right next to him. FML

by Btwigster / 07/18/2011 at 9:20pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was at a restaurant with my son when he started to choke on his food. Panicked, I grabbed the closest drink I could reach and made him gulp it down. Only when I received tons of dirty looks from people at other tables did I realize I had given him beer. My son is 8. FML

by stargirl / 07/18/2011 at 8:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

mrmystery96's comment : I say let the little bastard drink.

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Today, my boyfriend wanted me to meet the girl he has been cheating on me with. He thinks it makes the cheating more understandable if I see how 'hot' she is. FML

by Anonymous / 07/18/2011 at 4:21pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Intimacy

Today, I was at work when someone came in asking me to brush their pet shih tzu. After an hour of vigorously grooming through the multiple knots, I called the owner to collect their dog. When she got here she said, "Oh, did I say brush? I meant shave." FML

by StudMuffinette / 07/18/2011 at 3:40pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, at my anniversary party and in front of all our friends, I accidentally called my husband-to-be by my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

by Daria_Weiner / 07/18/2011 at 2:23pm / Russian Federation (Moscow City) / Love

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

by unbirthday / 07/18/2011 at 2:05pm / United States / Animals

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

by deeenalynn / 07/18/2011 at 12:22pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I finally told my girlfriend of four months that I love her. Her response was, "Uh... thanks?" FML

by womanlover12345 / 07/18/2011 at 12:05pm / Spain / Love

Today, I woke up to a scream downstairs. My 13 year-old daughter was trying to bite her little brother's neck. No matter how hard I try, she will not believe that she is NOT and NEVER WILL BE a vampire. FML

by xBubbles38 / 07/18/2011 at 11:17am / United States / Kids