Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

by squirrels69ing / 05/21/2011 at 9:00pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

jewknowit710's comment : some one is jealous that they arent getting any action... lol

See all the comments

Today, I got piss drunk. Being a tattoo artist, I came to the intoxicated conclusion that I could save much more money doing my own tattoos on myself. I now have my ex boyfriend's name permanently on my thigh. It's not even spelled right. FML

by aridaley / 05/21/2011 at 7:33pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Doortje's comment : Never drink alcohol again, please. You obviously can't handle it. YDI.

See all the comments

Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2011 at 5:29pm / Denmark / Love

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

by woodchuck0022 / 05/21/2011 at 5:16pm / Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador) / Miscellaneous

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

by hahanosirr / 05/21/2011 at 4:02pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

jvillan87's comment : Back of a pickup while someone else drives next time then?

See all the comments

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

by uetlqdja / 05/21/2011 at 11:31am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2011 at 10:18am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

by no one / 05/21/2011 at 5:07am / United States (Alaska) / Intimacy

Today, my crush and I were talking on the phone and we were really hitting it off. We got on the subject of sex and I told him I have a purity ring. Then he suddenly said he had to go and hang up. FML

by Cassie / 05/21/2011 at 3:44am / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML

Today, I had to take care of my best friend while she was drunk. This meant changing her pee-soaked sheets, making her take a bath to get all the baby powder off, and making her put clothes on as she tried to run out the house naked. FML

by anonymous / 05/21/2011 at 3:20am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

by btswc / 05/21/2011 at 3:18am / United States (Hawaii) / Intimacy

Today, I called my mom and I got voicemail: "Hello, this is Joyce. I'm not here at the moment, so leave a message and I will call back as soon as possible. Except if it's Sophie. If it is, get the hell out of my life, biiitch." I'm Sophie. FML

by thatsasquee / 05/21/2011 at 2:42am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous