Today, my parents woke me up by pouring a glass of freezing cold water over my head. Their reason? They were 'bored'. FML

by missmirror / 05/02/2011 at 7:00pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got pulled over. Suspicious that I'd been drinking, the police officer made me walk a straight line and recite the alphabet. I failed both. I was completely sober. FML

by spekledworf / 05/02/2011 at 5:30pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

xviem's comment : that's what you get for being a dumb ass

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Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in sexual activity anymore because it is getting too boring. FML

by beaverless / 05/02/2011 at 4:26pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, some kids stole all four wheels off my car. They were nice enough to leave a note and some money though, "for the bus". FML

by teinage / 05/02/2011 at 2:47pm / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Transportation

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

by hornyloser / 05/02/2011 at 2:46pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while handing out business cards to promote my new dog grooming business, I stopped to talk to a potential client. She let me get all the way through my 15 minute speech, before bothering to tell me she didn't have a dog. FML

by Asirual / 05/02/2011 at 2:02pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I helped my parents move out of their old house. While I was guiding my dad down the stairs with the couch, my mom asked me to pick up the tape on the step below me. I bent over and grunted. My dad thought I said "Go" and kept moving. He knocked me down two flights of steps. FML

by Anonymous / 05/02/2011 at 1:43pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

by MathTeacher / 05/02/2011 at 10:30am / United States (Missouri) / Work

cptmorgan15's comment : Tell that bitch.

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Today, I was so sick that I was puking and had the runs. While on the toilet, I yelled for my boyfriend to get me a bowl to puke in. As I did so, I saw that a ton of it was forming on the floor in dots. My boyfriend had given me a spaghetti strainer. FML

by megomania / 05/02/2011 at 9:51am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

by anon / 05/02/2011 at 6:58am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML

by Burnt / 05/02/2011 at 5:33am / United States (Texas) / Health

fmylifedam's comment : don't smoke then

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Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of 'whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back.' Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

by ohtheshame / 05/02/2011 at 4:34am / Intimacy

Today, I realized that the black leggings I wear quite often become see-through when I bend over. I have been showing the world my ass as well as my thong for over a month now. FML

by ChrissySoltys / 05/02/2011 at 2:39am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous