Today, I stopped to help a stranded motorist. I yelled out my window, "Hey do you need a hand?" The guy was just standing beside his car taking a piss. FML

by Emoney1 / 05/26/2011 at 10:06am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

by Motionless / 05/26/2011 at 5:55am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

kg163401's comment : I dub thee corpse fucker

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Today, I had to explain very slowly to my mum why she cannot put metal cutlery in the microwave. She did it anyway. FML

by smarterthanmymum / 05/26/2011 at 5:48am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML

by lovingpsychosis / 05/26/2011 at 3:53am / United Kingdom (Aberdeen City) / Love

Today, I went to hand in a resume. The secretary happened to be a girl I liked in high school. When leaving, I shook hands with the employer, waved goodbye to the girl, turned around and walked straight into a glass wall. FML

by Fred / 05/26/2011 at 2:00am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I was texting at work when my manager walked in. I quickly dropped my phone in the garbage to avoid trouble. Since I was working so hard, she decided to do me a favor and throw the trash out for me. FML

by explosiveBAM / 05/26/2011 at 1:04am / United States / Work

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

by blahblah493 / 05/26/2011 at 12:15am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I finally got the wedding dress I've been waiting months to see. It turns out that my mom ordered the dress 2 sizes smaller than my size, this way it will be "an incentive to lose weight". FML

by Angelica / 05/25/2011 at 11:19pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

by nrelavender / 05/25/2011 at 10:48pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

thedevilwithin's comment : Wow, people are so heartless these days.

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Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML

by wtffireworks! / 05/25/2011 at 10:10pm / United States / Work

marinus's comment : Damn right they do.

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Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from my biological father, who I have never met in my life. As I was scrolling through his hobbies and interests, I saw "Drinking," "Black women with big asses," and "Getting laid, lol." FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2011 at 4:33pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Intimacy

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

by Brilliant... / 05/25/2011 at 1:44pm / United Kingdom (West Sussex) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend told me I looked pretty. I said, "Aww, that's the first time you've said that to me." He replied, "Well, it's the first time you've looked pretty." FML

by Username / 05/25/2011 at 12:06pm / United States (California) / Love