Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML

by jakewr / 07/02/2011 at 12:14am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

by NYMTS / 07/01/2011 at 7:22pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

PFiddy's comment : all the inspiration a guy needs

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Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML

by sadmother / 07/01/2011 at 7:12pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, my dad spent a full half hour trying to convince me that Judaism is a race. FML

by Anonymous / 07/01/2011 at 6:02pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was so broke that I paid for a $0.28 candy bar with my credit card. FML

by Username / 07/01/2011 at 5:47pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

LRyuzaki17's comment : where the heck did you fin a candy bar for only 28 cents??

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Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

by xXx3mi_MuffinxXx / 07/01/2011 at 3:23pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I ran to my car and zoomed to work to avoid being late. I was in such a hurry, I forgot to close all my windows. When I got back to my car, I found a dead squirrel inside. FML

by anon / 07/01/2011 at 3:22pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I tried to comfort my daughter who'd been crying non-stop for hours. She thinks Chuck Norris is coming to kill her, and I can't convince her otherwise. FML

by parenting sucks / 07/01/2011 at 1:42pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

by tbalboa / 07/01/2011 at 1:27pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog died. My parents told me to bury it out back. In the process, I managed to dig up my cat. FML

by Username / 07/01/2011 at 9:05am / United States (Virginia) / Animals

enonymous's comment : Did you find Grandma yet?

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Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

by single / 07/01/2011 at 5:12am / China (Guangdong) / Love

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. But not to worry, he said she's only in town for a week then he's done with her. FML

by ljcxo17 / 07/01/2011 at 4:49am / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML

by Rick / 07/01/2011 at 4:31am / United States (California) / Transportation