Today, I have to take medicine that gives me painful, violent farts. Tomorrow, I have to either get fired or go work in an office that's dead silent. How silent? Last week I heard my coworker drop a paperclip, three desks away. FML

by Tootie / 07/30/2011 at 2:58am / United States (Michigan) / Work

YacL's comment : Drop another paperclip to mask the sound?

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Today, my little brother came into my room and hit me over the head with his baseball bat. He then dropped the bat onto my floor and ran crying into my mother's room proclaiming I stole his bat and beat him with it for fun. FML

by NaomiMadison / 07/30/2011 at 1:15am / United States / Kids

Ali_Br's comment : don't you just hate little brothers???

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Today, while having sex, my boyfriend decided to sing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

by Taylor / 07/30/2011 at 1:14am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

OcampoFTW's comment : Hopefully he didn't say "I am your father!"

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Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML

by loser4life / 07/30/2011 at 12:38am / United States (Colorado) / Animals

Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML

by Anonymous / 07/30/2011 at 12:35am / United States / Love

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2011 at 10:10pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, while walking home from work, a young teenage girl ran up behind me and dumped a carton of milk on my head. She said, "The cow master baptizes you!" and then ran in the opposite direction, cackling madly. FML

by Anonymous / 07/29/2011 at 8:31pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

by Username / 07/29/2011 at 7:36pm / United States / Kids

Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML

by ivannooze / 07/29/2011 at 5:40pm / United States / Health

Today, my sister announced that she had gotten engaged. I was happy for her until I found out she's marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied me all through high school. FML

by Username / 07/29/2011 at 5:35pm / Netherlands (Flevoland) / Love

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

by Elizabeth / 07/29/2011 at 3:56pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML

by Username / 07/29/2011 at 3:17pm / United States (South Carolina) / Animals

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

by someone / 07/29/2011 at 2:26pm / United States / Intimacy