Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

by anonymous / 07/05/2011 at 12:32am / United States (West Virginia) / Intimacy

imustbeinsane's comment : incorporate them

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Today, my neighbor and I learned why fireworks are illegal in city limits. This lesson was learned shortly after a roman candle came crashing through my second story window. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2011 at 12:30am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML

by Stacy / 07/05/2011 at 12:04am / United States / Work

LadyClarik's comment : At least it wasn't written in shit....

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Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

by danam / 07/04/2011 at 10:38pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

by brittbrat4 / 07/04/2011 at 8:25pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Keyman1212's comment : Fuck them! Enjoy your life (:

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Today, my bedridden mother called me selfish. After an operation two weeks ago, all I've done is feed her, clean her and the house every day. She called me selfish because I couldn't lift a TV into her room. FML

by Ashleighx94 / 07/04/2011 at 8:00pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

by K3you / 07/04/2011 at 7:42pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

by rejecteddd / 07/04/2011 at 4:07pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

by Kate / 07/04/2011 at 3:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

by Anonymous / 07/04/2011 at 12:09pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

by hero to zero / 07/04/2011 at 12:09pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

by Bekah / 07/04/2011 at 9:24am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

by crudofalife / 07/04/2011 at 5:42am / United States (Illinois) / Work