Today, I quit smoking. It seems that when you don't smoke for almost 24 hours, your sense of smell comes back. I then noticed how disgusting my apartment smells. Great. FML

by Username / 08/02/2011 at 11:33pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Heather_x0x0's comment : Ha! That smell is never gonna go away YDI for smokin

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Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

by t2t2sync / 08/02/2011 at 9:47pm / United States (New York) / Work

Fx13mz's comment : They see me rollin'...

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Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But... Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML

by theonlychildd1 / 08/02/2011 at 7:46pm / United States (California) / Work

GTRspecV's comment : take the hint?

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Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

by scully11 / 08/02/2011 at 2:36pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers have heard coming from my cubicle. Apparently my music sounds like the background tracks from shitty soft-core porn movies. I'm getting a three day suspension while they go through all my files. FML

by ImScrewed / 08/02/2011 at 1:47pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

by Username / 08/02/2011 at 1:35pm / United States / Animals

Today, my mom decided to give me a bloodcurdlingly graphic sex talk. On a plane. I'm 23. FML

by jared77 / 08/02/2011 at 12:26pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

by Username / 08/02/2011 at 10:52am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

by chinchilla4404 / 08/02/2011 at 10:17am / United States / Health

Today, it was a warm day out so I left my car windows slightly open while I was at work. One of the local bums apparently thought this was a perfect opportunity to use my open driver's side window as a barf receptacle. FML

by Username / 08/02/2011 at 3:55am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML

by Username / 08/02/2011 at 2:46am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML

by ohcrap / 08/02/2011 at 12:58am / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend decided it'd be funny to create a "place" on Facebook for my vagina. Now he "checks-in" every time we have sex. FML

by INside / 08/02/2011 at 12:52am / United States (New York) / Intimacy