Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

by Mahomie123 / 04/16/2011 at 6:56pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present. Nervous, I couldn't get myself to pee in the cup right away. When I finally did, I couldn't stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself. FML

by overflowing / 04/16/2011 at 6:20pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

by ColdHeat / 04/16/2011 at 3:18pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

by pepsifoot / 04/16/2011 at 3:18pm / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, while relaxing in the kitchen drinking coffee, my dad suddenly rushed in, knocking me over and causing me to spill boiling hot coffee all over myself. Then, my dad thought it would be a good idea to grab the sprayer from the sink and douse me with cold water in order to "put me out." FML

by inalotofpain / 04/16/2011 at 8:46am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

by bbedlock / 04/16/2011 at 8:35am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

by Proprepourtant / 04/16/2011 at 7:28am / France / Intimacy

Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML

by Worried / 04/16/2011 at 6:59am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on my first official date I've been on since my divorce. Things were going great until he ordered his fourth 32oz beer; he got hammered and became a horny octopus. Oh, and he farted whiled trying to give me a goodnight kiss. FML

by Username / 04/16/2011 at 4:39am / United States / Love

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

by Xanadu / 04/16/2011 at 3:04am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML

by uncool / 04/16/2011 at 2:11am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

by Username / 04/16/2011 at 1:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

by :| / 04/15/2011 at 10:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work