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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently copied my key before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering: “He looks like Jesus.” FML

#6842444
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40018) - you deserved it (3178)

On 12/20/2009 at 3:47am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

#6842155
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44221) - you deserved it (4014)

On 12/20/2009 at 3:14am - love - by Catholicguy (man) - United States (California)

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

#6841945
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9129) - you deserved it (29336)

On 12/20/2009 at 2:52am - health - by nikko blue - United States (California)

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

#6841457
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23408) - you deserved it (3179)

On 12/20/2009 at 2:13am - intimacy - by VCR (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

#6840782
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30963) - you deserved it (1950)

On 12/20/2009 at 1:32am - work - by Van (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I ran into some friends from high school who had just gotten back from college. We were talking about what happened during our sophomore year. When it was my turn to tell them what I had been doing, all I could say was "Well, I started wearing V-Neck t-shirts and they're pretty comfortable." FML

#6840673
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8442) - you deserved it (24210)

On 12/20/2009 at 1:25am - misc - by StayedHome89 (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

#6839284
30 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24965) - you deserved it (4128)

On 12/20/2009 at 12:13am - money - by Fml37 (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

#6839126
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6707) - you deserved it (32711)

On 12/20/2009 at 12:04am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Maryland)

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

#6838288
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (4720) - you deserved it (40424)

On 12/19/2009 at 11:24pm - misc - by Poser (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I sneezed seven times in a row. That's the closest thing I've had to an orgasm in months. FML

#6838088
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18408) - you deserved it (3463)

On 12/19/2009 at 11:13pm - intimacy - by omglifee (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML

#6837157
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10457) - you deserved it (24239)

On 12/19/2009 at 10:30pm - misc - by Stella (woman) - Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador)

Today, I was approached by a policeman who asked me if I was the owner of the green Camry. Turns out my parents decided to teach me a lesson for lying where I had been by reporting the car stolen. They also wouldn't answer my one phone call. FML

#6836721
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23683) - you deserved it (7781)

On 12/19/2009 at 10:08pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)



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