Today, I had to run a mile in gym class for fitness training. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to run the stretch, you have to re-take it. My time was 10:02. FML

by Alex / 05/13/2011 at 5:10pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom said she wanted me to get laser eye surgery before she did, "Just in case it isn't safe." FML

by samadams42 / 05/13/2011 at 3:18pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Health

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

by Catie / 05/13/2011 at 2:47pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

by scalmon / 05/13/2011 at 1:08pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

MsSoulReaper's comment : That's pretty fucked up. Try not to think of your ex during sex, she's your ex for a reason!

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Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

by crazycat / 05/13/2011 at 12:23pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Animals

Today, I was brushing my teeth. As a bent down to spit my mouthful of toothpaste into the sink, my cat decided it would be a good time to stick his head right where I was spitting. I spit a huge glob of toothpaste on his head. He then shook it off all over me and the walls. FML

by toothpastecat / 05/13/2011 at 11:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Animals

Today, I was wondering why I was getting strange looks all day at work. When I got to a mirror after my shift, I noticed a booger hanging out of my nose, which was visible only when I smiled. My job involves greeting people all day with a huge smile. FML

by Smile No More / 05/13/2011 at 8:27am / Work

Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML

by Username / 05/13/2011 at 4:13am / Transportation

Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML

by eenkoekje / 05/13/2011 at 3:20am / Kids

iAmScrubs's comment : He thought he was Charlie Sheen. Don't blame him.

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Today, I was sitting in the lecture hall. A girl walked by to get to her seat and her dress got caught on the handles, lifting it up. She didn't notice but I did, so I tried to take it off the handles. She turned around to see me holding her dress up. FML

by ctop / 05/13/2011 at 1:45am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He asked for my license and registration so I reached for my center console. I was then greeted with a gun to my ear because my coffee cup supposedly looked like a gun. I stepped out of my car to apologize and I was hit with a big stick. FML

by phant776 / 05/13/2011 at 12:02am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

by Eric / 05/12/2011 at 10:19pm / Health

Today, my girlfriend sent out a mass text to everyone on her contact list. She's getting married in a month. I didn't propose to her. FML

by Whosthegroom / 05/12/2011 at 9:09pm / United States (Indiana) / Love