Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

by anonymous / 05/17/2011 at 1:34pm / United States (Mississippi) / Money

Today, I posted my status on Facebook as "slightly hungover." My grandma commented on it with "liar, you were helping me clean last night." She's right. FML

by Anonymous / 05/17/2011 at 12:15pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Glassmaster's comment : You're cool. Posting fake Facebook starters always makes you cooler.

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Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML

by SexyQueen0905 / 05/17/2011 at 9:05am / Health

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

by Anonymous / 05/17/2011 at 6:06am / Finland (Southern Finland) / Intimacy

OCDC's comment : Just helping the doctors see it better.

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Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

by yobruh / 05/17/2011 at 12:54am / Kids

borntoperform's comment : Chuck Norris is the answer to everything.

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Today, I went bowling with some friends. After a few beers I was showing off spinning the ball around on the tip of my finger. One trip to the ER and two crushed nuts later, I've found that mixing alcohol and heavy shiny balls is not a good idea. FML

by paulwatson93 / 05/17/2011 at 12:28am / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy

Today, I updated my facebook status as "lost all contacts, need numbers". My mom commented saying "her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends". Her comment got 32 likes. FML

by Username / 05/17/2011 at 12:05am / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a really bad cramp while I was swimming in my neighborhood pool. I started to go under until the lifeguard jumped in and saved me. I guess it would have been great, if I wasn't a fellow lifeguard. FML

by t / 05/16/2011 at 11:26pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

by Fatty / 05/16/2011 at 10:12pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

by Anonymous / 05/16/2011 at 6:15pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, "I know how much fat people love twinkies." FML

by pyroman1127 / 05/16/2011 at 3:34pm / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

by Bobby M / 05/16/2011 at 12:33pm / Ireland (Carlow) / Health

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

by o.v. / 05/16/2011 at 12:04pm / Bangladesh / Geek