Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

by McKenna / 07/16/2011 at 12:10am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Doortje's comment : Honey, if you need to turn him on a day in advance to get him to want to have sex with you, you're doing something wrong.

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Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2011 at 10:06pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

rawrkittehpwnage's comment : owned.

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Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

by Creep / 07/15/2011 at 7:10pm / United States (Puerto Rico) / Love

Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML

by Meg / 07/15/2011 at 6:24pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend of two years. He asked me to turn off my webcam. I asked why, and he said to just trust him. Turns out it was because he didn't want to see my face as he broke up with me. FML

by emily / 07/15/2011 at 6:21pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

CompettiveCheer's comment : Douche. Bag.

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Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

by Username / 07/15/2011 at 3:51pm / United States / Health

Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his fifteen year old daughter, the dog. FML

by kacysospacyy / 07/15/2011 at 2:23pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

by evilwater / 07/15/2011 at 1:21pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I grinned for five minutes straight because my friends told me it would put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. It gave me a migraine. FML

by so much for a good day / 07/15/2011 at 1:14pm / United States / Health

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

by beachbumb8538 / 07/15/2011 at 1:01pm / United States / Geek

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

by panos016 / 07/15/2011 at 9:51am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a woman accuse me of trying to steal her husband over the phone, just because I called and asked for him. I'm an interviewer. FML

by TabbiNicole / 07/15/2011 at 7:38am / United States / Work

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

by SCREWED / 07/15/2011 at 2:25am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy