Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

by birthdayfail / 05/24/2011 at 3:55am / Work

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

by goatvideosarelame / 05/24/2011 at 3:31am / Singapore / Work

Today, while I was walking home, I noticed an elderly man in a wheel chair trying to paint his garage so I went over to help. His response was verbal abuse and a slap to the face with a wet paint brush. FML

by Adam / 05/24/2011 at 1:54am / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML

by Anonymous / 05/24/2011 at 1:19am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my boss ate a small piece of paper off her desk, thinking it was frosting. I have to work for this woman. FML

by Anonymous / 05/24/2011 at 12:38am / Work

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend gets a nose bleed every time he orgasms. FML

by nr1234 / 05/24/2011 at 12:27am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

PsychoXtheXrapis's comment : Hey, at least he doesn't have an orgasm every time he gets a bloody nose.

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Today, my boss contacted me to come in for a quick meeting. I drove 30 minutes to get to work only to find out she was firing me and wanted my key card back. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2011 at 11:19pm / Canada (Quebec) / Work

Today, while all the other marines got to fly around the island on a helicopter, I got stuck on gear guard. What was I guarding? The staff sergeant's parking spot. FML

by rogerusmc23 / 05/23/2011 at 10:41pm / Japan (Tokyo) / Work

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems. The nurse was helping my mom fill out the paperwork. When asked for her employer, my mom started trying to sell the nurse Aflac, and got into a serious 10 minute conversation about it, all while I'm going blind in my left eye. FML

by Catherine / 05/23/2011 at 3:33pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

by M / 05/23/2011 at 3:14pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

by Jon / 05/23/2011 at 2:46pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Intimacy

allmidnighteyes's comment : "Today, I satisfied my woman. FML" REALLY?

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Today, I got fired from my job at a small start-up company. Why? The CEO wanted to give a job to one of his former fraternity brothers who is out of work, and they couldn't afford to keep us both. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2011 at 2:12pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

by dumbteacher / 05/23/2011 at 10:35am / Miscellaneous

ZTD09's comment : Ultimately, your rural demise is imminent.

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