Today, my mom scolded me for not taking driving lessons already. This comes a few days after she told me that, "Allowing teenagers to drive is just another way of thinning out the gene pool". FML

by Norah / 07/23/2011 at 5:50pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML

by Username / 07/23/2011 at 5:27pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Sebash's comment : Guilty!

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Today, as I was hung over from a concert and refusing to get out of bed, my dad decided to hook up his top notch speaker system and play Christmas music that shook the house. It's July. Let the family weekend begin. FML

by lauramarie / 07/23/2011 at 10:18am / Canada / Kids

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

by Baconcook3000 / 07/23/2011 at 7:00am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Love

zemma_soup's comment : bitch is crazy

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Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

by tgd4444 / 07/23/2011 at 6:29am / Malaysia (Johor) / Miscellaneous

BluPenguin's comment : Fuck cops.

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Today, I'm staying in a hotel where the lights are automatic. They turn on when something moves and turn off when everything is still. I'm a sensitive sleeper and I move in my sleep, so the light wakes me up. It's currently 2 a.m. and all together I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep. FML

by someone / 07/23/2011 at 4:50am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my boyfriend poops with "This is war" playing on his phone, and makes war sounds corresponding with his poop dropping. FML

by MaHalKiTa / 07/23/2011 at 3:49am / United States (California) / Geek

Today, my husband, who is in the Navy, had a couple of his sailor friends over to hang out. The stereotype about their swearing is true. My two year old now won't stop saying "Fuck." FML

by oliveoyl / 07/23/2011 at 12:05am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I realized that the guy I've been sending anonymous, dirty emails to knows who I am. My signature, which includes my full name, was automatically added to the end of every email. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2011 at 9:10pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, after returning home from a camping trip, I found a leech on my love spuds. I ended up having to call my dad in to help me get it off. FML

by jab43 / 07/22/2011 at 8:57pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I was discussing the traffic with my brother. He said the most common car colour is red. I said it was black. We ended up betting €100 on which three vehicles of either colour would pass by our house first. It seems a convoy of fire trucks had somewhere to be in a hurry. FML

by zerom / 07/22/2011 at 8:52pm / France / Money

Today, I went to see a movie I'd been waiting months for. A couple of women sat down a few rows in front of me with five infants. The infants cried and wailed throughout. I'm not sure I have any idea what was actually said in any of the dialogue. FML

by AceGeek / 07/22/2011 at 7:49pm / United States (California) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

by coffee girl / 07/22/2011 at 4:31pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous