Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2011 at 9:38am / United Kingdom (Bexley) / Animals

jose1760's comment : I'm calling PETA!!

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Today, I was about to drive out of a parking lot. The space in front of me was empty, so I figured I could drive forward. I'd not noticed that there was a median in front, and my car got stuck. FML

by Lousydriver / 08/18/2011 at 9:07am / Canada (British Columbia) / Transportation

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 am because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

by boyfriend123 / 08/18/2011 at 6:02am / United States / Miscellaneous

Ladiesman247's comment : Oscar the Grouch? :3

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Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

by Academia / 08/18/2011 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (Newcastle upon Tyne) / Work

tenniscrazy2's comment : Don't listen to your parents. Just do what you want in life. It's your life, not theirs.

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Today, I was sitting in my cubicle at work, nursing a hangover, and thinking how stupid I was for getting so shit-faced last night. I then realized that I was voicing my thoughts out loud, and the whole office had gone quiet, listening to me castigate myself. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2011 at 3:42am / United States / Work

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

by upset room mate / 08/18/2011 at 2:59am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

by gb / 08/18/2011 at 1:18am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be 'funny as hell' to watch me freak out. FML

by livgasms / 08/18/2011 at 12:02am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom went to grab my sheets off my bed. I said that I would do it, to which she responded, "Calm down, it's not like I've never seen 'spludge' before." FML

by Anonymous / 08/17/2011 at 9:51pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I finally got over the knee injury that has been holding back my military application for 6 months. They sent me to the optometrist, who said my eyes were too bad for service. FML

by sadface / 08/17/2011 at 8:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I drunk texted a guy I like. We'd met at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. FML

by Username / 08/17/2011 at 7:37pm / United States / Love

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

by candymansvan17 / 08/17/2011 at 5:50pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to court expecting to walk out a free man. Turns out my misdemeanor offense couldn't compare to the crime I committed when I walked into the court house with a switchblade tucked into my shoe. FML

by Tom / 08/17/2011 at 2:27pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous