Today, I locked my car. I put the key in my bag when suddenly my car began to roll backwards. I tried to get the key out of my bag but couldn't find it, and with the other hand I tried to stop the car. The worst thing was that some dumbass was watching me and didn't help. FML

by rabbitoncocaine / 04/20/2012 at 2:41am / Germany (Thuringen) / Transportation

MrTittySprinkles's comment : I fail to see how he's the dumbass in this situation.

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Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2012 at 9:26pm / United States / Love

Today, I found myself humming a Skrillex ditty all day. I'm beginning to wonder if I've had some sort of stroke. FML

by WTF? / 04/19/2012 at 8:12pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I witnessed a car accident. Being an experienced paramedic, I rushed to the scene to see if anyone needed help. As I assessed the people involved, one of them pickpocketed me. FML

by anonymous / 04/19/2012 at 6:33pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

by caaarl / 04/19/2012 at 3:46pm / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Love

SkoomaKi's comment : *sigh* It seems you can't escape duck faces anywhere. That stupid face ruins any photo.

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Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

by noooo!!! / 04/19/2012 at 2:45pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend gave me acne cream for my birthday. FML

by amber / 04/19/2012 at 2:00pm / United States (Minnesota) / Love

Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML

by ajnmegs / 04/19/2012 at 12:08pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2012 at 10:14am / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I traveled by plane for the first time. Once in the air, I was absolutely terrorized by the whole experience. Luckily, they had free booze on board, so I necked some to steady my nerves. Unfortunately, the vodka mixed with air turbulence made me spurt some vomit into my lap. FML

by Burp / 04/19/2012 at 8:37am / United States / Health

Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML

candiicane's comment : Where does that even come from?

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Today, someone burgled my hotel room. As always, I had locked my passport, extra cash, and other valuables in the closet safe, so I thought the losses would be superficial. What a discovery that the safe hadn't been fastened to the closet shelf, so the thief just picked it up and took it home. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2012 at 2:24am / Money

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

by Anonymous / 04/19/2012 at 12:46am / United States (Nevada) / Work