Today, I practiced my drum playing in the garage instead of my room out of consideration for my neighbors. Guess the consideration wasn't mutual, because one of my neighbors just shot a hole in one of my drums with an air gun. FML

by drummerboy / 06/06/2016 at 8:17am / United States / Miscellaneous

potatocouch's comment : I think the best solution is to shoot back and see where it hits.

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Today, my 3-year-old girl accidentally caught sight of me stepping out of the shower. Now she thinks "daddy has a tail" and she just has to let everyone know about it. FML

by Fido / 06/06/2016 at 7:58am / United States / Kids

potatocouch's comment : Hey, at least your child thinks it's long enough to be considered a "tail".

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Today, my 10-year-old son introduced me to Tom, his new best friend, and insisted we have him over to dinner. Tom is a slug. FML

by spadesmollusques / 06/06/2016 at 1:13am / France (Alsace) / Kids

potatocouch's comment : Make sure to pass "Tom" the salt.

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Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

by Anonymous / 06/06/2016 at 12:57am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I decided to get back in shape so I went swimming. I only managed 10 lengths and was completely out of breath. I was so embarrassed that when a lifeguard asked me if I was OK, I made up a story about a leg injury as a reason to leave only 15 minutes after I got in. FML

by fat teen / 06/05/2016 at 7:33pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Health

Today, I'm so tired from constantly soothing my crying 2-month-old baby that I've started trying to soothe inanimate objects with baby talk when they make a noise. My fridge stated beeping and I began an involuntary chorus of, 'It's OK darling, shhhhhh, it's alright.' FML

by Babyhazy / 06/05/2016 at 5:52pm / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, I’m in China for work. All my work is stored in my Google Drive, directly via the internet. It’s just a pity that Google is banned in China. FML

by bleroh / 03/04/2013 at 6:04am / China

Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggest that she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill myself because of my severe medical condition". FML

by really / 06/05/2016 at 5:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, a week after spending most of my paycheck on a down-payment and rent on a new apartment, I found out the "landlord" I paid was a scammer. Turns out the real owner was away on vacation, and he'd stolen most of her stuff before showing me the place. FML

by Scammed / 06/05/2016 at 2:26pm / Mexico (Baja California) / Money

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

by meish / 06/05/2016 at 9:16am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I was on a long roadtrip with my son. My son said he has to pee to which I answered he had to wait till I can stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

by Carnage23 / 06/05/2016 at 8:38am / Germany (Hessen) / Kids

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

by Dmessmer1 / 06/05/2016 at 4:37am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML

by BG1059 / 06/04/2016 at 10:19pm / United States (Texas) / Love