Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

by NotHungryAnymore / 03/01/2016 at 10:46am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

by Puddlepop / 03/01/2016 at 4:20am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Ashamed_Sister's comment : I'm sure he was a man.

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Today, while at a big speech and debate tournament, I corrected the judge's use of the word "podium" instead of lectern, because that's what my debate coach had told me was the correct usage. Well, she didn't take it too well and neither did my partner. Or my debate coach. FML

by Judgeisalwaysright / 03/01/2016 at 3:57am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

fakedsincerity's comment : Correcting the judge in front of everyone is kind of a dick move. A judge is there as some sort of expert and authority figure and to undermine them doesn't look good for your score.

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Today, my sister got her car insurance quote in the mail. You would think it would go way up after being charged with reckless driving. It went up $1 per month. My insurance went up $100 per month after I tapped someone's bumper a year ago. I wasn't even charged. FML

by why does the world hate me / 03/01/2016 at 1:23am / Canada (Ontario) / Money

jake131000's comment : Let's just say that it really depends on the person. The credit score and claims history is most important. It also depends on the quality of the insurance company. I'm Jake and I work at State Farm.

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Today, while working as a hostess in a restaurant, an old lady complained to the manager that I was on heroin because she could see all the track marks on my arms. I was actually fighting a staph infection and the "track marks" were where my IV had been placed. My manager told me to cover it up. FML

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

by Anonymous / 02/29/2016 at 5:56pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I helped my mom put away my baby sister's clothes. She's only a week old and has around 60 outfits. I have 4. FML

by well damn / 02/29/2016 at 5:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

by Spraylady / 02/29/2016 at 4:45pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

by cutiecuppiecakez / 02/29/2016 at 4:04pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML

by Sir Anon / 02/29/2016 at 3:18pm / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I was woken by the sound of music coming from my living room at 1:30 am. My cat had managed to turn on the stereo and turn the volume all the way up. Just as I fell asleep again, there was a knock at the door. The police showed up about a noise complaint. FML

by elguapo3745 / 02/29/2016 at 1:20pm / United States (Kentucky) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

by PizzaPants / 02/29/2016 at 1:12pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, my boyfriend posted pictures of him at the bar last night with his ex. And ones of them in her bed this morning. I guess we're sleeping with other people? FML

by kayla53 / 02/29/2016 at 11:17am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy