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Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself a microwave meal. I pierced the plastic film several times. A little too loudly for my hateful bastard of a neighbor, I guess, because he called the cops on me, claiming he heard gunshots from my apartment. FML

#21077955
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41159) - you deserved it (2937)

On 03/04/2014 at 3:44pm - misc - by fuck you, jack (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

leeebeeeee18's comment : Sounds like your neighbor needs to get laid.

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Today, I left a message for a potential employer. It wasn't until after I'd hung up that I realized I'd given them their own phone number to call me back at. Not getting that job. FML

AnOriginalName's comment : So you gave them your future number? Nice. I like that style.

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Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

#21077693
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36589) - you deserved it (4225)

On 03/04/2014 at 8:37am - kids - by :/ -

Syncronisis's comment : Usually you would have to tell them that deodorant is not a substitute for showering, but I guess that works too.

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Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML

#21077667
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34637) - you deserved it (3392)

On 03/04/2014 at 7:25am - misc - by Staying Home Today (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

#21077619
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39910) - you deserved it (11074)

On 03/04/2014 at 4:06am - love - by booksandshadows (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my sister told me about a website that explained why our stressed cat has been obsessively pulling out the fur on her legs. Interested, I asked for a link. Not just out of deep concern for the cat, but because I have the same problem. FML

#21077438
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32357) - you deserved it (5271)

On 03/03/2014 at 11:40pm - animals - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

#21077397
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34453) - you deserved it (2816)

On 03/03/2014 at 11:12pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML

#21077048
194 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62418) - you deserved it (8497)

On 03/03/2014 at 5:35pm - intimacy - by fuck you, Odin, FUCK YOU (man) - United States (California)

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

#21076929
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41468) - you deserved it (4436)

On 03/03/2014 at 2:58pm - work - by Biologyfacepalm (woman) - United States

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

#21076785
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38993) - you deserved it (3647)

On 03/03/2014 at 11:30am - misc - by Anonymous -

Today, I decided it was time to tell my daughter that she had been adopted. Not only had she known for 5 years, she found out from my drunk sister. FML

#21076752
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42803) - you deserved it (7733)

On 03/03/2014 at 10:55am - kids - by adopted (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, it seems to have got to the point where I take fleas off my cat so often that I now have dreams about finding the biggest and most perfect flea. FML

Today, I told my mom that my boyfriend had broken up with me. She was more upset about it than I was. She actually almost cried. FML

#21076568
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37712) - you deserved it (3818)

On 03/03/2014 at 2:13am - love - by Chilly (woman) - United States (Alaska)



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