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Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

#21520051
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20699) - you deserved it (1232)

On 01/27/2016 at 12:11pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Minnesota)

cOOkiEzRgOOd's comment : Too bad for her, I really hope you dumped her sorry ass. Especially if it happened this early on (I assume).

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Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

#21520041
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24369) - you deserved it (2717)

On 01/27/2016 at 11:35am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Kansas)

doxer's comment : Did that fist end up loving him?

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Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML

#21520025
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22397) - you deserved it (4307)

On 01/27/2016 at 10:35am - misc - by 404: Sanity Not Found (man) - United Kingdom

tarlax's comment : Oh yeah, that's what we call "pulling a Schumer". You'll be happier in the long run without that kind of craziness in your life.

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Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

#21520005
26 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17325) - you deserved it (7023)

On 01/27/2016 at 8:30am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML

#21519974
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20395) - you deserved it (1975)

On 01/27/2016 at 7:02am - health - by oliver (man) - United States

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

#21519950
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20531) - you deserved it (1828)

On 01/27/2016 at 2:59am - work - by NotYourToy (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

#21519928
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21756) - you deserved it (1714)

On 01/27/2016 at 1:04am - intimacy - by FullCircleProblem (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my boss got mad at me because I told her that I wouldn't be able to work two days out of the week, due to college classes. She then cut back my hours so much that I now only work one day a week. I got the job in the first place to pay for my college classes. FML

#21519921
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19207) - you deserved it (1448)

On 01/27/2016 at 12:41am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I was locked out of my house. With no other available option, I decided to try and ninja my way through a window. However, as it turns out, I would make a terrible ninja. I now have a sprained ankle and a broken window. FML

#21519916
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15719) - you deserved it (4778)

On 01/27/2016 at 12:20am - misc - by valene5687 - United States (Virginia)

Today, I learned that I have a sinus infection, ear infection and bronchitis so bad it was on the verge of pneumonia. My work won't let me call in sick. I work with kids. Lovely. FML

#21519906
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20239) - you deserved it (1180)

On 01/27/2016 at 12:02am - health - by sicky - United States (Utah)

Today, to avoid disappointing my excited great grandmother, I still attended a small family dinner to celebrate my engagement. My fiancé and I split last night, I haven't slept and had to tell her he was caught up at work. FML

#21519743
32 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19419) - you deserved it (1806)

On 01/26/2016 at 5:24pm - love - by singlelady (woman) - United Kingdom (Southampton)

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

#21519742
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19734) - you deserved it (1528)

On 01/26/2016 at 5:22pm - work - by Anonymous - Netherlands (Noord-Brabant)

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

#21519730
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10432) - you deserved it (17457)

On 01/26/2016 at 4:38pm - health - by ktm1313 - United States (Ohio)



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