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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, I was watching 'Tool Academy' with my girlfriend. When asked which Tool I would be, I replied with Power Tool. She then stated I would be 'Tiny Tool'. I'm 240 pounds. I don't know if she was calling me fat, or saying I have a small penis. My best guess would be both. FML

#2732
23 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18648) - you deserved it (3925)

On 01/26/2009 at 7:21pm - love - by soundbox - United States (Florida)

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

#2729
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46037) - you deserved it (2322)

On 01/26/2009 at 7:02pm - health - by Noname - Japan (Fukuoka)

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

#2727
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26282) - you deserved it (2641)

On 01/26/2009 at 6:44pm - misc - by glittercat - United States (Missouri)

Today, at work I got a message from some dude trying to flirt with me. While I was cracking up and making fun of him with my friends, I get a message from him saying look directly behind you, and there he was staring at me. FML

#2721
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5457) - you deserved it (29491)

On 01/26/2009 at 6:14pm - misc - by godhatesme - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I organized a romantic evening with one of my old squeezes in the hopes I may re-ignite something special. She showed up at 8 and told me she had to leave by 9. She was gone by 8:30. FML

#2715
14 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17768) - you deserved it (4519)

On 01/26/2009 at 5:56pm - love - by LDL - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

#2709
24 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21073) - you deserved it (1837)

On 01/26/2009 at 5:19pm - misc - by Rothaar - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I went to surprise my boyfriend in the shower. I opened the door and there was a giant shit in the open toilet. I pretended I was looking for my hairbrush. FML

#2705
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28440) - you deserved it (6765)

On 01/26/2009 at 4:45pm - intimacy - by bad surprise - United States (New York)

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

#2696
172 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15515) - you deserved it (67803)

On 01/26/2009 at 4:09pm - intimacy - by Boredom - United States

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

#2695
31 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7625) - you deserved it (18042)

On 01/26/2009 at 4:08pm - misc - by Danana - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I bought a mini tracking device to attach to my wallet to keep me from losing it. Unfortunately, before I could put batteries in the tracking device, I lost it. FML

#2681
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15557) - you deserved it (7776)

On 01/26/2009 at 2:08pm - misc - by Jacobro - United States (Connecticut)

Today, my dad learned how to use the parental controls. I now have an 11 o'clock curfew. I am 17. FML

#2670
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17658) - you deserved it (5636)

On 01/26/2009 at 12:38pm - misc - by dangyo - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

#2645
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26614) - you deserved it (2202)

On 01/26/2009 at 10:51am - love - by saywhat - United States (Indiana)

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

#2635
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41097) - you deserved it (9804)

On 01/26/2009 at 9:58am - misc - by buddy - United States (Michigan)

jamiecakes's comment : ugh that happens to me like every week.

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