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Man or woman?

Today, after masturbating in the shower, I heard my phone go off outside the bathroom. After my mom saw me get my phone to check my messages she said "I think you're addicted to that", to which I said "but it feels so good and every guy does it." She was talking about how I text people a lot. FML

#2682803
195 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12506) - you deserved it (72070)

On 06/07/2009 at 2:47am - intimacy - by Jon (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I met a hot guy at the club. We danced and had a really good time, so I invited him home with me for the night. The next morning, I awoke to the sound of what I thought to be running water. I looked up to find him, naked and pissing into my air conditioner unit. FML

#2682144
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48453) - you deserved it (23350)

On 06/07/2009 at 2:18am - intimacy - by anonymous (woman) - Korea Republic of (Kyongsang-bukto)

Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML

#2681681
370 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45273) - you deserved it (122202)

On 06/07/2009 at 2:02am - love - by dawg3360 - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, was my graduation party. My birthday was about a week ago so my parents combined the presents. I thought it would be something big so I hinted for a new TV. I got a snuggie. FML

#2679727
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57848) - you deserved it (4718)

On 06/07/2009 at 12:49am - money - by AllyCat (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I used the restroom at a department store. While I was in my stall, I overheard a little girl say to her mother, "I see someone wearing pink!" I remembered that I was wearing pink just as she finished her thought, "And she's pooping." She was peeking at me through the stall. FML

#2674765
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47186) - you deserved it (2954)

On 06/06/2009 at 10:25pm - kids - by Shelly (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

#2674249
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54402) - you deserved it (9529)

On 06/06/2009 at 10:14pm - misc - by fatty - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

#2672288
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23779) - you deserved it (38890)

On 06/06/2009 at 9:11pm - money - by fml_seriouslyfml (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, my cousin and I found out that when a girl puts a flower in the right side of her hair, it means she's available. The bigger the flower, the more available she is. My eleven year old boy cousin told me to "cut down a palm tree and put it in my hair". FML

#2671287
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65116) - you deserved it (6628)

On 06/06/2009 at 8:38pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

#2670105
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39081) - you deserved it (5710)

On 06/06/2009 at 7:46pm - kids - by biotch - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I called over my math teacher to ask a question. I have a really bad cold. I asked him about a problem and he reached over my desk to point at the diagram and explain it. Then I suddenly had to sneeze and I got tons of snot all over his hand and arm. FML

#2664358
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43059) - you deserved it (9153)

On 06/06/2009 at 4:16pm - health - by lft (woman) - United States (California)

Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML

#2663554
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9809) - you deserved it (76874)

On 06/06/2009 at 3:44pm - health - by thedogkisser (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, my boyfriend went to the aquarium. We were noticing the fishy smell, and I had made a comment about it. Then my boyfriend slowly, and seductively whispers into my ear, "It sort of reminds me of how you smell." FML

#2660481
287 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55153) - you deserved it (12161)

On 06/06/2009 at 1:38pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little boy. I opened up a new bottle of bubbles and it was all goopy and gross so I said "Eww!". The boy then asks, "What's "ew" mean?". I replied with, "Something gross and yucky". Then he pointed at my face and say "Ew! Ew! Ewwww!". FML

#2658966
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50382) - you deserved it (8084)

On 06/06/2009 at 12:23pm - kids - by EwFace (woman) - United States (New York)



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