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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

#21428714
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26678) - you deserved it (3690)

On 06/19/2015 at 6:21pm - misc - by baberuth - New Zealand (Auckland)

Juicenub's comment : Beating someone up with a baseball bat because they screwed you over in Mario Kart is still a valid reason in my opinion.

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Today, while I was in the bathroom at a restaurant, my young son decided to drink the "slushie" I had ordered. We ended up at the hospital because that slushie was actually a margarita. FML

#21428647
199 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24845) - you deserved it (6950)

On 06/19/2015 at 4:09pm - kids - by Kidisok - United States

courtz94's comment : My question is, was he alone? By the sound of the FML op left the child at the table, either alone or with someone irresponsible. Next time you should be more careful with leaving alcoholic beverages around young children.

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Today, a cute guy asked me if I was single. When I said yes, he said "Yeah, you look like the type", and walked away. FML

#21428639
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26759) - you deserved it (2004)

On 06/19/2015 at 3:51pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

writerchic85's comment : There are people out there who can't feel good about themselves unless they're tearing others down. Shake it off and feel pity for him. He's probably not much of a person himself.

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Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

#21428622
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27163) - you deserved it (3151)

On 06/19/2015 at 3:00pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I went to the restaurant I recently got a job at, to take the introductory three hour training course. Afterwards, I was told I wasn't hired after all. Why? The girl I was replacing suddenly decided she didn't want to move away and quit after all. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

#21428553
245 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28509) - you deserved it (11670)

On 06/19/2015 at 12:17pm - intimacy - by shmarf (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I had to take my daughter to the ER. Her brother had bet she couldn't go the whole day without talking. So to win the bet, she tried to super-glue her lips together so she couldn't accidentally say anything. FML

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

#21428525
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26195) - you deserved it (2494)

On 06/19/2015 at 10:47am - health - by stanky - United States (Ohio)

Today, it's my birthday. I had asked my parents for a keyboard, and I was really excited to open the massive box they gave me. It was a computer keyboard. I've been playing piano for 11 years. FML

#21428456
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28090) - you deserved it (4028)

On 06/19/2015 at 4:37am - misc - by THANKS - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I'm five and a half weeks pregnant. One of my coworkers told me that it sucks that I'll have to wait so long to show. I asked her what she meant; she replied, "It's always harder to tell when big girls are pregnant. Can't tell what's fat and what's baby." FML

#21428256
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28164) - you deserved it (4301)

On 06/18/2015 at 8:58pm - work - by pregnantfatty - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

#21428240
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26008) - you deserved it (11834)

On 06/18/2015 at 7:29pm - money - by fuckstudentloans - United States (California)

Today, as I finished my piano recital and took a bow, I farted into the microphone. FML

#21428226
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29571) - you deserved it (3688)

On 06/18/2015 at 6:53pm - work - by fartypants - United States (Florida)

Today, I found out that my grandparents are going to take my car away and sell it because they're pissed I'm moving in with my boyfriend. FML

#21428214
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24522) - you deserved it (4472)

On 06/18/2015 at 6:31pm - misc - by allisonpaige21 - United States (Arkansas)



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