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Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML

#21247445
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35248) - you deserved it (4667)

On 08/28/2014 at 9:47pm - love - by ch4nny (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

doodlebug33's comment : Grab his penis and say "Mmmm...cocktail weenie"

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Today, my manager made everyone put up Christmas decorations around the store. As well as this, we're going to have Christmas music playing on repeat all the way through to January. It's not even September yet. FML

#21247337
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38412) - you deserved it (2489)

On 08/28/2014 at 6:39pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my demented little sister walked up to me and kicked me between the legs. I told my parents, but they just accusingly asked me what I did to provoke her. When I said "nothing", they accused me of lying. There is no justice. FML

#21247278
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37170) - you deserved it (2881)

On 08/28/2014 at 5:16pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - Portugal

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

#21247229
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37819) - you deserved it (2788)

On 08/28/2014 at 3:58pm - love - by wowzer (man) - Puerto Rico

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

#21246995
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35149) - you deserved it (2701)

On 08/28/2014 at 6:31am - work - by newswithabitofbite (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML

#21246884
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42503) - you deserved it (4918)

On 08/28/2014 at 12:34am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

hellraisedfire's comment : wow. to reject sex because someone doesn't speak Klingon... that's some deep loyalty.

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Today, I won a goldfish at the amusement park. My little brother took him out of the bowl because he thought he was drowning. FML

#21246787
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36760) - you deserved it (2957)

On 08/27/2014 at 10:33pm - kids - by That idiot - United States (Nevada)

Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

#21246644
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35332) - you deserved it (6377)

On 08/27/2014 at 7:04pm - animals - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (London, City of)

hornytoad13's comment : He was just trying to get out of the mans best friendzone

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Today, a schoolmate I've always secretly hated came over to my place to hang out. She found her way to my room and instantly noticed my dartboard, which I'd taped a picture of her face onto. FML

#21246638
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19992) - you deserved it (41256)

On 08/27/2014 at 6:57pm - misc - by Woops (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, after coming home from a two week vacation, my dog was pink, there were beer bottles and used condoms on my bed, and everything was a mess. I asked my sister, who'd been watching over the place, what had happened. She just said "Oops." and hung up. FML

#21246633
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36907) - you deserved it (3249)

On 08/27/2014 at 6:52pm - misc - by nayahbear24 - United States (New Jersey)

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

#21246620
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35821) - you deserved it (2783)

On 08/27/2014 at 6:03pm - misc - by dr.mantistobagon (woman) - United States (Vermont)

Today, my brother thought jumping out and punching me in the stomach would cure my hiccups. Yeah. Didn't work. FML

#21246592
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32683) - you deserved it (2721)

On 08/27/2014 at 5:56pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

#21246585
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34955) - you deserved it (33560)

On 08/27/2014 at 5:50pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)



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  • So, is everyone back from their vacation? Can we get back to regular programming? No? OK, I get it. You're all still crying about not being at the beach any more, well, I am anyway. And this time of year…

Thursday 11 September 2014

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